So here I am. I’m back. I was going to write this whole long stupid post about my love life. I actually DID write it. And then I read it. And I realized it was stupid. Absolutely positively asinine. So let’s forgo my joke of a realish love life and talk about something a bit more abstract. Something a little more entertaining. Let’s talk about Tinder. I’ve mentioned it before when I talked about online dating, but I’ve officially become an addict. I’ve been on three tinder dates in the last 2 weeks. Which maybe doesn’t seem like that many but when you consider the amount of effort that goes into landing one date from the internet and then multiply it by the sheer number of hours I work and add the amount of time I spend picking out an outfit and doing my makeup, it is a massive accomplishment thank you very much and also kind of a problem. See what had happened was, I got drunk at Middle School Dance the other day and started messaging everyone in the world. No holds barred. I just started messaging bitches left and right. It was like swipe-match-heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 🙂 and repeat with the next 21 year old. From this I have gleamed some sage wisdom, which I shall now share. And support with GIFs. Because why not. Lesson one: Don’t drink and swipe. You will make questionable decisions AND you will absolutely swipe right on your friend’s ex-girlfriend just to see if you’re a match and then FORGET you did that and wake up in the morning and freak out because guess what YOU ARE and now you need to block them at the speed of light. You may also swipe right on the girl with no description but a lot of pictures in her underwear and possibly with some BDSM undertones because WHY THE HELL NOT. Luckily, it’s just the internet and you can hit this magic unmatch button and just pretend it didn’t happen unlike those voicemails you left everyone you knew last night. Lesson two: DO drink and message. Especially when you are a total chicken like me and you are really afraid of talking to attractive women and sometimes when lesbians walk into your barber shop your face turns the same shade as your lipstick and you go full on Tina Belcher. But when someone like me gets a few gin wilders down the hatch, it’s a little more like Tina in smart, sensual independent woman mode. and I’m dropping they Heyyyyyy’s and Hiiiii’s and Hey girl’s left and right! I’m downright hilarious and I think of wonderfully witty things to say and I mean, I’d respond to not so sober me. Any day. Sometimes you just need a little liquid courage and the internet and your pre-matched possibilities will be your oyster. Lesson three: Expect (almost) nothing. Not every line you throw out there is gonna get a bite. Luckily, unlike at your favorite lady bar, it’s no big deal if you get turned down because it’s much less embarrassing to be ignored on the internet than it is in person, say, after you bought homegirl a drink and everything. It’s not your fault your profile is so good and your introduction so brilliant that some people are just gonna be intimidated. Don’t worry. Do your thang babygirl. When one of your lines eventually DOES work out, you then need to move. Right away. You know how people talk about Lesbian Bed Death? Well I don’t know much about that being a baby dyke and all, but there IS something to the idea of TINDER BED DEATH. If a conversation on that thing goes on for more than 2 days without some kind of phone number/lets have drinks action, shit’s going nowhere. Sorry, but it’s a no go. It’s not dead forever, but it’s not going to lead to anything any time soon. If you’re feeling your little match, it’s time to grow some cahones and ask her to grab a drink. Casual, easy, total cool girl move. Once you meet her, it might be awesome. Or she might turn out to be a terrible lesbro who texts other girls the entire time you’re with her and only has stories about being drunk. And also only enjoys drinking. And is absolutely a text book alcoholic. And yeah maybe you’re just pathetic enough to be like eh oh well I’m not judging, she might not ever text you again and THAT IS FINE. All that matters is you got out there and honey, you’ve gone on three dates this week! You are building your confidence and now that girl you were forced to friendzone earlier but still really wanted to hook up with is interested in you again because you’re so unavailable and mysterious and in-demand. Today, Tinderella. Tomorrow: Celesbian status. So there you have it. I learned these lessons the hard way so you don’t have to. YOU ARE ALL WELCOME. And yeah, I may have just watched the only lead I have for a functional healthy relationship storm off in a huff because I was too busy writing this and giggling at gifs to pay attention to her BUT. I regret nothing. Because it is almost the weekend and if you live in Austin you have Lesbian Wedding to look forward to/get drunk at/make Tinder connections during on Sunday at Sahara Lounge. SO IT WAS NECESSARY. As a small token of my love for you, here’s Kristen Stewart in drag from Jenny Lewis’ latest video, ‘One of the Boys.’ You’re welcome. That video really inspired me to become a drag king. I actually MIGHT do it. Queerly yours, KP
How to Tinder. And also Kristen Stewart. And GIFs.