Friendzoning, dating, and the internet.

I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, bisexual, sapiosexual, polyamorous or queer, dating is really hard. I think we can all agree on that. (It might be harder for me, since I happen to be terrified of lesbians, but we’ll get to that in a minute)

It probably shouldn’t surprise you, then, that so many people in their 20s are turning to online dating. That’s right, don’t be ashamed, I’ve seen you on Tinder and I probably swiped right (because obviously, if you’re reading my blog, you have impeccable taste and are very attractive) so you don’t have to lie about it.

The dirty little secret for single Austin queers, so far as I’ve heard, is that we’re all on OkCupid. You think I’m kidding? Go to OkCupid, search for girls who like girls ages 22-30 in Austin. Make a mental note of the faces. Then head on over to a Girlfriend party or anything free that gets written up in Where the Girls Go and you will see that I am not lying.

If you don’t already have a network here, it’s time to get over your fear and pony up to the Cupid. I’m not going to go into all the details of how to make a great profile/get laid all the time/meet your next baby mama because I will not even pretend I know what I’m doing on there. If you really want some good tips, let me know and I’ll wrangle up one of my online dating experts (I have those) and we’ll host a guest post up in here.

So I’m on OkCupid, and I met someone. We started talking, she seemed super cool, she was crazy hot and covered in tattoos, just the way I like ’em. We exchanged a few flirty messages, swapped numbers and met for a drink about a week later. Our chemistry was insane. Good job, OkCupid, you made a pretty fantastic match. The first 3 days I knew her were amazing. We spent a Sunday together holding hands, being tourists and making out in an alley off South Congress. Maybe it was because this was the first time I could be so public with my affection without fear of repercussion, maybe we were just that good together, but I couldn’t sleep that night and I couldn’t eat the next day, and she was all I could think about. I became dangerously close to being a uHaul lesbian and when we had sex for the first time later that week, I was all but done for.

And then, shit got messy. I calmed down a little. Took a breather, I still liked her but started to act like a functioning member of society again. I started to notice that every time I was with her, she was talking about her ex girlfriend to the point where it dominated the conversation. We were just casually dating, but I couldn’t stand feeling like the third wheel in my own dating life. She was the farthest thing from available. I didn’t care that she was seeing multiple people, that wasn’t the issue at all. The real problem? Her ex was still completely unquestionably in love with her. And they were still seeing each other. Regularly I realized I had two choices:

  • Stick it out and keep dating her, hope that while my feelings were growing like a weed, her ex would fade out of the picture. Realistically, it’s impossible to get over someone when you’re still sleeping with them, and this path would inevitably lead to a messy breakup where I, the ever vindictive bitchy diva, would get my feelings hurt and never want to see her again.
  • Stick her in the friendzone, salvaging not only my real appreciation for who she is as a person but my budding friendships with people we have in common AND my ability to frequent any queer bar or party for the next 6 months. Believe it or not, Austin is a really small town and our queer community is even smaller.

Normally, I’d opt for the first choice. Call me a masochist (it’s pretty true) but that rush you get from falling for someone is like a drug for me. In the past I’ve overlooked any and all consequences and gone with whatever sounded good at that exact moment.

This is the part where we acknowledge that I’m growing up and being an adult and making good choices, even when they bum me out at first.

I went with the second choice. I friendzoned her. While I regretted it at first, I’m already realizing that I made the right decision for myself. My life already feels a little less complicated, and I get to keep a friend I know I’ll value in the long run.

With that said, I went out last weekend and tried to hit on girls and learned that I’m petrified of lesbians. Like, freeze up, can’t talk, shaky hands and awkward faces scared of talking to attractive gay women. So as of right now, unless OkCupid or Tinder pull through, I’m going to be single forever. It’s fine. If you can help me learn to talk to ladies without sounding like an idiot, please comment and help a queer sister out. Have you ever been in my complicated dating situation? Maybe something worse? Did you friendzone them or let it crash and burn? I want to hear from you!

Before I wrap this bad boy up, I’m encouraging all my brand new Austinites and Baby Dykes to go out and do something this week/weekend. Check out the Gay Place in the Austin Chronicle for local events if you need some inspiration. And keep the awkwardly adorable somewhat innapropriate queer loving going all week by following me on Twitter, @QueerlyYoursATX. See y’all next week!

Queerly Yours, -KP